Tom Webb's Detective Agency

Day One:

I have set up a Detective Agency, having detected that I can detect loads of things, including; Wet, sweet, soft and down. I dropped my ice-cream. But found it almost immediately. All of the remnants that landed on my shoe were totally edible. The rest tasted hairy. I can also detect dog/cat

Day Two:

I have re-branded my Detective Agency to encompass more classic detecting, like blackmail and adultery. So far I’ve done none

Day Three:

None

Day Four:

My flatmate Jemima lost her phone. I detected it using my own phone to call it. It was in her bag

Day Five:

My other flatmate, Tom, dropped his phone in the bath. I detected wetness, free of charge. It will not charge at all

Day Six:

I bought a hat

Day Seven:

I am now open for business. If you need my services, wear a red carnation

Day Eight:

I had three fights with florists. I won none. I detected frustration and a sweet smell

Day Nine:

I’ve got a client. She’s lost her memory. I’m finding it difficult. She laughed at that joke, I think she’s lost her sense of humour too

Day Ten:

She’s amazing; Long and thin, like a Kevin Costner plot. Funny and sharp, like drunken karaoke. I’m falling for her like house prices and LiLo’s weight - Hard and fast, like Jesus’s diet programme

Day Eleven:

She’s like a rainbow. No one knows exactly when she’ll come, but it’s always hot and wet

Day Twelve:

She says she’s losing the will to live. But I thought you only had a will to die

Day Thirteen:

She banged her head and remembered everything. Including her love for Ricky Martin’s career. It’s finished. She banged, she banged

Day Fourteen:

Had my retirement office party. I think it would have been better if I had employees. And a photocopier. I tried frottaging my bottom, but it pierced the paper. I’m glad I used a retractable pencil