Football = Soccersphere

I watched a competition of football on Sunday afternoon. It was tepid. Here are my findings...

• Being ‘offside’ is like being 'out of order'. The fans tut and everyone turns their back on you
• 'Foul' refers to the faeces the players drop in between spitting, cuckolding and racism. It will soon also refer to the giant birds that are released for the flying section of Soccersphere
  
• The free kick is wonderful progress from the terrible enslaved kicks
• ‘Half Time’ refers to what the players do in the Tunnel with their Large Hadron Collider – Try and half time
  
• The fans are NOT singing bukakke suggestions. It is 'Come on, England' rather than 'Cum on England'. Shame

~ It's all good and well pissing and moaning, but what can we do to make football better? Ladies and Gentlemen, here is your answer: Soccersphere ~

NEW RULES: SOCCERSPHERE

• If you score a goal in soccer with your genitals, the opposition shout genital-balls and they release live bulls onto the pitch
• After the 1st section Lord Sir Alan Sugar comes on and mixes up the teams, giving them new names like Apex and Brazil Max
• Having conceded a goal your entire team must remove an item of clothing - Football Strip
• The pitch should randomly tilt like those maze/ball puzzles
• There is a section where just the two goalkeepers boot the ball back and forth, trying to score from that far away
• If you concede a penalty, you have to give a piggyback to the player for the rest of the section. Which is like be knighted in Draughts
• Good Chants: 'Sportsmanship & fair play is nice' AND 'Exercise reduces cholesterol & releases endorphins which is good'
• The little smoking area the managers are restricted to. I would set up a BBQ & not let the Baddies have any
• In one section we flood the soccer bowl/stadium. And release the sharks
• In the last quarter of the game, we start to squeeze in the pitch (like the trash compressor in Star Wars)
• Football would be funnier if the ball made a noise every time it was kicked - A bell or a fart noise or a tired sigh - Or a different line from a Shakespeare play. That way we could learn as we watched
• You may bring on your own whistle to trick the Baddy Team
• You may also sneak off and put on the other team's costume. Then score megagoals
• Half way through, the manager should reveal the team's new costumes. That always cheers them to victory in the movies. My team would have a green costume, so that we could hide by lying on the floor, then pop up & score megagoals
• The winner owns the other region or country