Computers

Hello

I've made a quick, comedy sketch about computers

I hope you like it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLnrcqLm-_E

BLOG

This is my twelfth blog. I know, so much has happened. What a journey we've shared. Whisked through a landscape of emotion, thrown through a universe of thought by my words and your ability to read. What a team we make. Like I'm a Cartographer in a World of TomToms (pun intended)

But what have we learnt?

What's the point in these blogs an' that?

For me, simply the ability to write 'twelfth', an expression I would like to mean an affluence of Toms, Tom's treasure, Tom'sTomToms, Tom's wealth = TWELFTH

For you, something different? Perhaps the gift of insight into another's feelings, concerns and joys. But more likely, it's that you're bored of refreshing your Facebook and nothing changing. But fear no more, I promise an imminent status update. Happy days

CATS

We now have two cats. They were called Coco and The Bear. I can't use either of these names. Coco sounds racist and/or cerealy and my Mum and Dad refer to one another as Little Bear and Big Bear, respectively, when they are particularly happy. Luckily, they don't respond to anything, so names seem irrelevant - Like having someone's phone number who'll never answer. (I mean names seem irrelevant for the cats, names are useful for my parents at Christmas and sexy times).To date, they have only been to the toilet in their cat toilet. Bonus. (Again, this isn't referring to my Mum and Dad, who have never defecated in the litter tray)

One is a lady 'ragdoll' and the other is a classic, black, boy cat. I mainly call her 'Lady' and him, 'Boy'. It seems as effective as anything else. (This is still not about my folks, they will not be mentioned again in this blog. Promise)

They are about one and a half years old, human years. Balls to this 'cat years' nonsense. When cats start to write songs, make penicillin and bake pastry they can have their own time frame, till then...

So far, it appears they do nothing, all day. And thus make me constantly tired. They look so happy sleeping, and when they moved in, it felt like the good-host thing to do - Nap with them. I have found napping very habit forming. I fear soon I may get hooked and get into 40 winks, siestas and then it's the slippery slope to big sleeps. 24 hour big sleeps. Which is worse than anything Raymond Chandler could have imagined.When they first arrived they didn't like each other at all. They didn't hate one another, either. There was total indifference. Which is very scary to watch and made me sad. It was like when you get on a tube carriage, and although you're very close to people, you agree to ignore one another. This is fine, there's not enough time to have an ice-breaker, relationship defining moment, heart to heart and farewell with everyone you meet between Caledonian Road and Oxford Circus. You'd never have time to read the free papers. But if you knew you were going to have to live on that tube carriage, with those people, for the rest of your (human) years, I reckon you'd make the effort. Now the cats wander about together and mainly sleep touching each other. That makes me happy.

I think this must be similar to being a parent. Happily cleaning-up their spilt food, euphorically combing poo out of their hair, giggling as they bite your eye. Thinking you know what their noises mean - When they're tired, or hungry or it's time for our obligatory half-hourly nap. Before realising it's involuntary noises, squeezed out of your beloved by over-petting.

I hope for everyone's sake that the cats continue to function and keep me from wanting/having to upgrade to a human child too soon.

In summation, I love these cats more than I have probably loved anything. (Including some parents)

TOM WEBB LET'S RIP

A letter to my unborn/born child/children after I'm dead (or run away)

Hello (Hi),

If you're reading this, it means I'm dead. Or you've hacked into my computer. If so, you’ll be dead soon. And what are you hoping to find. At best it’s going to be boring work stuff, or it’s porn and even if it was the softest porn in the World do you really want to know what your Dad wanks over. I hope for your sake that I am dead. And not from wanking

But you are my child(ren), so I love you, even if we haven’t met. If we haven’t, Hi, I’m Tom Webb, your Dad. If we have met, you know all that, so you can skip this

We probably have lots of jokes and I have a nickname for you. When I'm writing this I don't know what the nickname is. Maybe Pele. Which is surprising, 'cause I'm not into football. Your Mum must be into it. Or she's just sucked the sperm from my dead body, and I don’t know her at all. When I'm writing this I don't even know your mum. But she must be amazing. Or a mental spunk stealer. I don't know how I feel about that, I'm dead.

If we knew each other, your name is probably Duke or MegaMega

Hopefully your Mum is Rihanna, Kirsty Gallacher or Girls Aloud (I haven't worked out how it'd be all of them, but imagine Three Men and a Little Lady, but with the gender roles reversed)

I hope your Mum is not – Loose Women, June Sarpong, Baddy from He-Man, Medical Dish

I should, time permitting, re-write this and make it accurate, but what if I die doing that and don’t get to tell you all the things I am about to tell you

Here's what I'd like played at my funeral - Boom Boom Boom (Fun Remix): Black Eyed Peas

or anything, just not Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley (obviously a brilliant cover, but fuck, leave it alone for a minute or you'll break it)

This is a lot like Total Recall, isn't it

Some of this may be inaccurate or ill-advised, but not knowing when I’m going to die, I want to get as much of this written down as possible, in case your mother or a strong wind kills me

Firstly don’t be a dick. Don’t be a sexist, or a racist. Or pronounce H’s 'Haitches'. You don't say wouble wou. And don't get your oyster card out once you’re at the barrier. You know it's coming, be prepared

LOVE

Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen - This is fine if you want to have a relationship with a trained fighting dog

RELIGION

I am dead

WORK

Try and get paid to do the thing you love (excluding prostitution)

Most importantly avenge my death. Or take revenge for me being taken from you? Both. Don’t see why you need both words

I'll tell you more when I think of it

Yours sincerely,

Dad

GIRLS MADE SIMPLE

Welcome to ‘Girls Made Simple’. Where we Make Girls Simple.

If you girls can just try and keep quiet until the end. That’d be great … Okay, let’s go. With our registered nine step plan to success with girls.

1) Appearance

2) Selection

3) Chatting Up

4) Dating

5) Kissing

6) Sex

7) Going Steady

8) Protocol

9) General

Where we’ll open the floor up to you - Not like opening the floor to Hell or an indoor soccer pitch.... That's it, Girls Made Simple. But not by drugging them. Or hypnotism. Or Stockholm Syndrome. Or pretending you're Russell Brand's sex tester. Okay, let’s start with number one.

1. APPEARANCE

And I can immediately see from looking at you, it’s a crucial place to start. Because you’re looking at me and thinking. ‘How do you always look so sexy’. Well, let me tell you, it’s not as difficult as I make it look. Just find a celebrity who’s in the news more than twice a week, and copy their look. Not Trevor McDonald. You must choose a celebrity who’s as average as possible. Because that way, you can appeal to many styles of girls, rather than just a niche market. Such as the elderly and lesbians. For example, you could choose to be a Westlifer or Steve Jones. These are average and acceptable celebrities.

But be careful. Some celebrities don’t have stylists and look rubbish. We call them N.A.N.A. celebrities. Neither, average, nor, acceptable. N.A.N.A celebrities include Elton John And, of course Michael Jackson.

‘Who have you based your look on Tom’ - Enrique Iglesias.

So there you are. You’ve found a celebrity who’s in the news more than twice a week. Let’s say ______. You’ve copied his appearance and you’re looking totally average. Well now you can start -

2. SELECTION

Selection of your target is one of the nine most imp

ortant parts in success with girls - Or as they called it ‘suck - sex’, with girls. When selecting your selection there are five ‘yes’ signs to look for. These are

1) Short skirts

2) High heals

3) Lots of make up

4) A large amount

of exposed breast

5) Blondes

And don’t worry a

bout having to check roots, natural and artificial blondes are just as easy … If

your potential selection has under two of the ‘yes‘ signs, she is married. Or a

lesbian. Or both. Don't look at her, it's a waste of vision

But. If she has two or more of the ‘yes’ signs,

she is interested in being selected. However, if she has all five, she’s a prostitute. Fine

Once you’ve selected a girl with at least two of the signs. Let’s say a blonde, face painted tart, and you’re ready to approach her.

Cool your jets rocket men. Before you can select a girl, you must work out your ‘dating category’. There are three dating categories. They are -

1) Attractive

2) Average

3) Ugly

Be honest and choose the right dating category for you. Because lying to yourself now and selecting the wrong category will lead to disappointment and embarrassment later. And, to make things easier, I can clearly see that there are no category 1’s here, so restrict yourselves to categories 2 and 3. That’s average and ugly.

Remember. You can date in or below your category, but never above.

So once you’ve decided whether you’re average or just ugly, try and find a girl who is equally average or more ugly than you are. Make sure she has at least two of the ‘yes’ signs and you’ve ‘selected’ your girl... What next -

3. CHATTING UP

‘Do you like the Mr. Bean movie, I don’t’.
Okay. Before you can chat up a girl you must have the ‘sexy voice’. The ‘sexy voice’ is like your normal voice, but it’s deeper and also, slower. This is because, in your normal voice, you sound like this.
Well it’s ‘Chatting up’ or ‘Lying’. And since we have the luxury of female company tonight let’s show you exactly how it’s done.

Nobody’s impressed. But, using the sexy voice.

‘Do you like the Mr. Bean Mov

ie, I don’t’.

I'm clearly more attractive - If you have trouble with the ‘sexy voice’. Smoke. It’s sexy on it’s own, but also helps develop the ‘sexy voice’ - Gold.

But you can’t just have one chat up line and say it exactly the same every time. What you say should seem special and unique. So personalise your chat up line for each girl. For example - ‘Do you like the Mr. Bean Movie, I DO’. Depending on whether or not she looks like she likes Mr Bean or not

Other lines might include - ‘My favourite drinks are red drinks would you like a date’... Or - ‘You’re in or below my dating category would you like a date’.

You see how I've personalised his chat up line. That means that this girl thinks that I thinks that she’s special and unique. I don't think that at all. Also, keep in mind that girls like being complimented, so you could try something like - ‘I wouldn't lie about having sex with you’.

Seeming to be educated is always a bonus and what better a

way to reveal your intelligence than a discussion on literature. For example - ‘I have read Harry Potter’s Order of the Phoenix have you would you like a date’.

Finally, for the more experienced, try combinations of chat up lines. Such as - ‘My favourite drinks are red drinks and I have read Harry Potter’s Order of the Phoenix have you would you like a date’

Now you’ve got two things to talk about on your date and she knows

you can read. Gold.

So, you know what to say and how to say it. You’re thinking, where do I say it... You can do chatting up anywhere, but do not do chatting up in -

1) Churches

2) Doctors’ waiting rooms

3) Morgues

4) Bars with rainbow flags outside.

So start chatting up your selected target and very soon you’ll be on a date.

4. DATING

One of the best places for a date is ‘the restaurant’. Or ‘gastro pub’.

When you’re at the wine bistro, make sure you order ‘sexy foods’. ‘Sexy foods’ include oysters, ice cream and anything phallic such as sausages and carrots - But not baby carrots.

Then remember these essential two lists and nothing can go wrong. First list.

Date do’s

Talking

Nice smells

Holding hands

Compliments

Julia Roberts.

And the second list.

Date don’t’s

Shouting

Farting

Not complimenting them

Sudden boob grabbing

Steven Seagal

Doing the things on the first date do’s list, and not doing the things on the second date don’t’s list will give you a better chance of first to fourth base action with your date.

Gold. Okay, you’re on your date and the conversation is flowing as well as the cheapest house red. What now. Well. The date is where you are supposed to let the girl ‘get to know you’. But obviously you can’t let her ‘get to know’ the real you. The stuff like … You don’t have a job, you can’t drive, live with your parents, will only eat orange food. So they her other things... Lies - Things like you love babies, jazz, art, Julia Roberts and the theatre.

But wherever possible, let the girl do all the talking. That way you can’t say anything stupid and not get to -

5. KISSING

When girls are ready for kissing they make this face ... and then you can kiss them... Kissing should involve as much tongue as possible as quickly as possible, and never forget the neck and shoulders. Scientist have proven that girls like being kissed on the neck and shoulders. Fact. And although its boring. Fact.

Do try to do this kissing whenever possible. In the winter, garments such as scarves and polo necks will make this type of kissing difficult, so save this style of kissing for the summer and or nudity.

A love bite from you is like pissing on a tree for a dog. It’s your mark, so, make sure your friends to know that you’ve pissed on that tree. And once you’ve begun kissing, do not stop unless you have to - Maybe because you have to go to the toilet or because your parents walk in.

Because, if done correctly, kissing will lead to S.E.X. spells -

6. SEX

Now, a lot of you gentlemen may feel that sex is a scary and mystical thing. Like yetis.

Don’t worry. The following breakdown will make sex as simple as an inbred child.

Boys like sex more than girls and should therefore make the whole activity as quick as possible. Do boob touching and general stroking. Kissing is also advised. Particularly the neck and shoulder kissing we described earlier.

If it won’t go, don’t force it.

Use the girl’s first name during sex. For example. ‘Ooh Shelly, yeah Shelly. You are hard and soft at the same time like a broken baguette’.

Finally. Remember to show your a

ppreciation for the girl’s inconvenience - ‘Thanks for coming’ - Will be sufficient and then let her go back to knitting or whatever she was doing before.

Once you’ve had sex, you will have to answer a very difficult question - Do you want more sex, or is that enough sex, with a girl.

If you’ve had enough of this girl, listen to the ‘protocol’ section coming up. However, if you want more sex with her, pay attention now. We’re talking about -

7. GOING STEADY

Okay. Well done. You’ve tricked a girl into having sex with you. You don’t mind talking to her or skipping together. Sounds like you want to ‘go steady’.

Going steady is when you go on dates with just one girl, who you must call your ‘girlfriend’. After three months you must tell your ‘girlfriend’ you ‘love’ her and after five years you have to marry your ‘girlfriend’. Going steady also means that you can’t forget your girlfriend’s birthday, must meet her parents. And, generally, you are not allowed to have sex with other girls.

Sounds rubbish. But there is an up side to ‘going steady’. You can get intercourse whenever you want. It’s a difficult decision. Go steady or Ready, Go!. But to help you decide, just think. Can you get a girl as attractive, or more attractive, than your girlfriend to touch your penis. If you can’t, then you should ‘go steady’. It’s the best you’re gonna get. But, if you can. Then dump the ugly wench.

8. PROTOCOL

One. After a date not involving sex you should think, ‘am I going to get sex next time’, if the answer is yes then you have to wait exactly four days before calling. If the answer is no then you should wait forever.

After a date involving sex, you must wait exactly three days before calling, but text after two days, using these phrases in your S.M.S. message, ‘sexcellent’, ‘sexpert’ and ‘sexquisite’… Ending a relationship is a painful and upsetting time. These steps make it a piece of piss.

First step: Stop calling her

Step 2: Phrases such as ‘I’m not ready for commitment’. And ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. These are clichés for a reason... Because they work. So use them. If the girl still doesn’t get the idea you’re going to have to move to step three.

Arrange to meet somewhere public, but somewhere you can still have a little intimacy. Upstairs at a McDonalds. Then, when she arrives, just gently hold her hand, look her softly in the eyes and clearly, but calmly say ‘you’re dumped, leave me alone’.

If this doesn’t work you should inform the appropriate authorities.

So there we are. You’ve had your date, got to fourth base, gone steady and dumped your girlfriend or wife, leaving us now at ‘general’.

9. GENERAL

And this is where we like to open the floor up to you and answer any questions you might still have

CONCLUSION

Now get out there and start having sex with the first girl you can find

WEBB WORLD 3000

Things are really coming along with the eagerly awaited, Webb World

Here's what I believe will be the concession stand. Selling Candy Floss - Which will be dental floss made of sugar. Thus, like my toothpaste made of marzipan, keeping your mouth entertained and clean all at the same time

This, I presume, will be the waterpool area. Celebrating my early years of swimming. And the fact I have a shower or bath pretty much every day. That's 'so' Webb, they say, bathing

This must be where people can queue. I've seen loads of queueing at other theme parks, it is clearly very popular. So never fear, all your waiting and pacing will be perfectly catered for here

I don't know what this is. Probably something supernew, that no one has ever thought of before, and is amazing

I have also seen some of the early designs for the costumes. They look very much like Hi-Vis work wear. Rave meets manual labour. Inspired

RULE No.1 (More importantly: Alloy Ark)

The rules are, you never do stand-up at a music/comedy night. I have learnt this the very, very hard way. Tonight I played Ace of Clubs at Monkey Chews in Camden put on by the very hospital Lewis and Jenny. And as much as the adage still rings true, I had a lovely gig, did about 25 minutes and got to see the superlative band comprised of Dani and Doug,

ALLOY ARK

Spectacular and beautiful

At best, a quarter of the audience listened to us, but good God they are wonderful

I spent 20 of my minutes telling a man I would make love to his face till he cried spunk tears before moving on to 2 hot, blonde girls who I described making the business with being like getting lost in a heavenly, golden shag pile carpet for sexy days. They have become 'fans' and joined my 'groups'. I love my job. And I did actually do some jokes, not just weirdly flirt

But... I would be a happy man to fall into obscurity if it meant Alloy Ark got as big as they deserve to be

Seminal

Green Man Festival / ODD ACTS 4 ODD ACTS

Oh my days

So, I'm wildly excited to host The Comedy Tent at The Green Man Festival 8-9pm on August 21, 22 & 23. It's going to awesome, and even better as my good friend and comedian extraordinaire, Joel Dommett is accompanying me. And performing too - http://www.thegreenmanfestival.co.uk/

Plus, I met Henry Widdicombe, the comedy organiser, last night and he is also winner. All in all, looks like my luck is in

That is, after spending the last 2 hours trying to work out how the flame to get there. Eventually I have settled on -

FRIDAY -

National Express Coach from Victoria Coach Station at 9:30am to Newport, then train from Newport to Abergavenny at 1:05pm, then a coach to the festival

FRIDAY-SUNDAY = MEGACOMEDY

MONDAY -

Coach to Abergavenny. 1:13 train to Newport, 2:30 coach to Victoria, tube, hose down, burn clothes, more comedy

By Jove they don't make it easy to work all this out, and I'm not surprised that (if I had a proper job) I would have saved money/time by just getting a black cab or a piggyback from an out-of-work actor or Big Brother contestant. This is why I bloody love London so much, and more importantly, hate leaving it

If you're coming to the festival, come on the same transports and I promise to regale you with this anecdote in much greater depth. Delicious

I will spend the next week establishing my ODD ACTS 4 ODD ACTS agency - You could have Paul Denan come and clean your toilet or Debbie McGee alphabetise your CDs. And what's David Suchet up to? Perhaps your crocheting

Still, Green Man's gonna get it now

Cats

Jemima says we are getting two cats on Sunday. One is called Coco, the other, The Bear. Apparently they are not, nor have ever been part of a funk band.
I have never had a cat before, but I've always wanted one (or more). My experience with cats has been restricted to these -

But hopefully Coco and The Bear will be more prepared to lick me

My only concern is that, because we are adopting them, they will weewee everywhere. And if they start doing that, then what is my role in the house?

What?

Also, if one of them is a black cat, does that mean superstitious people will be buggered

Rest assured, if it takes all the sellotape and mini-Christmas-cracker instruments in the World, their debut funk odyssey will be competing for the Xmas number 1 spot. Working titles include 'My Pussy Blows', 'Pussycat Dolls are Pussycat Dollops' and 'Willy Spikes'

WEBB WORLD DEVELOPMENTS

People have started work on the funslide and coconut shy, I assume that's what this is

Popbitch Popquiz

Tonight I'm doing my next Popbitch Popquiz

It's winner

We did a mini-version at The Big Chill last weekend

It was this good

Tonight will be even better - http://www.popbitchpopquiz.com/

WEBB WORLD

Construction has started on a theme park for me outside my house. I am confident it will be called WEBB WORLD, although I have not discussed this with any of the builders, or indeed, anyone at all. But why else would construction have started outside my bedroom. Everyday. From 7am.

I am no architect, so I leave this in the capable hands of the design team, but they seem to be digging a lot of trenches and filling them with a lot of pipes. More so than I would have thought of using for a carousel or roller coaster

But I guess this is modern theme parking

Perhaps it has an underground tone, lost worldy, or molely

Who's to say. But all going to (unknown) plan, WEBB WORLD must surely open to the public soon. Or I will lose my sleep-deprived mind before its unveiling

Ideas for merchandising are very welcome

Tom Webb's Detective Agency

Day One:

I have set up a Detective Agency, having detected that I can detect loads of things, including; Wet, sweet, soft and down. I dropped my ice-cream. But found it almost immediately. All of the remnants that landed on my shoe were totally edible. The rest tasted hairy. I can also detect dog/cat

Day Two:

I have re-branded my Detective Agency to encompass more classic detecting, like blackmail and adultery. So far I’ve done none

Day Three:

None

Day Four:

My flatmate Jemima lost her phone. I detected it using my own phone to call it. It was in her bag

Day Five:

My other flatmate, Tom, dropped his phone in the bath. I detected wetness, free of charge. It will not charge at all

Day Six:

I bought a hat

Day Seven:

I am now open for business. If you need my services, wear a red carnation

Day Eight:

I had three fights with florists. I won none. I detected frustration and a sweet smell

Day Nine:

I’ve got a client. She’s lost her memory. I’m finding it difficult. She laughed at that joke, I think she’s lost her sense of humour too

Day Ten:

She’s amazing; Long and thin, like a Kevin Costner plot. Funny and sharp, like drunken karaoke. I’m falling for her like house prices and LiLo’s weight - Hard and fast, like Jesus’s diet programme

Day Eleven:

She’s like a rainbow. No one knows exactly when she’ll come, but it’s always hot and wet

Day Twelve:

She says she’s losing the will to live. But I thought you only had a will to die

Day Thirteen:

She banged her head and remembered everything. Including her love for Ricky Martin’s career. It’s finished. She banged, she banged

Day Fourteen:

Had my retirement office party. I think it would have been better if I had employees. And a photocopier. I tried frottaging my bottom, but it pierced the paper. I’m glad I used a retractable pencil