TOM WEBB LET'S RIP

A letter to my unborn/born child/children after I'm dead (or run away)

Hello (Hi),

If you're reading this, it means I'm dead. Or you've hacked into my computer. If so, you’ll be dead soon. And what are you hoping to find. At best it’s going to be boring work stuff, or it’s porn and even if it was the softest porn in the World do you really want to know what your Dad wanks over. I hope for your sake that I am dead. And not from wanking

But you are my child(ren), so I love you, even if we haven’t met. If we haven’t, Hi, I’m Tom Webb, your Dad. If we have met, you know all that, so you can skip this

We probably have lots of jokes and I have a nickname for you. When I'm writing this I don't know what the nickname is. Maybe Pele. Which is surprising, 'cause I'm not into football. Your Mum must be into it. Or she's just sucked the sperm from my dead body, and I don’t know her at all. When I'm writing this I don't even know your mum. But she must be amazing. Or a mental spunk stealer. I don't know how I feel about that, I'm dead.

If we knew each other, your name is probably Duke or MegaMega

Hopefully your Mum is Rihanna, Kirsty Gallacher or Girls Aloud (I haven't worked out how it'd be all of them, but imagine Three Men and a Little Lady, but with the gender roles reversed)

I hope your Mum is not – Loose Women, June Sarpong, Baddy from He-Man, Medical Dish

I should, time permitting, re-write this and make it accurate, but what if I die doing that and don’t get to tell you all the things I am about to tell you

Here's what I'd like played at my funeral - Boom Boom Boom (Fun Remix): Black Eyed Peas

or anything, just not Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley (obviously a brilliant cover, but fuck, leave it alone for a minute or you'll break it)

This is a lot like Total Recall, isn't it

Some of this may be inaccurate or ill-advised, but not knowing when I’m going to die, I want to get as much of this written down as possible, in case your mother or a strong wind kills me

Firstly don’t be a dick. Don’t be a sexist, or a racist. Or pronounce H’s 'Haitches'. You don't say wouble wou. And don't get your oyster card out once you’re at the barrier. You know it's coming, be prepared

LOVE

Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen - This is fine if you want to have a relationship with a trained fighting dog

RELIGION

I am dead

WORK

Try and get paid to do the thing you love (excluding prostitution)

Most importantly avenge my death. Or take revenge for me being taken from you? Both. Don’t see why you need both words

I'll tell you more when I think of it

Yours sincerely,

Dad