Tomedy: GIRLS MADE SIMPLE

Welcome to ‘Girls Made Simple’. Where we Make Girls Simple.

If you girls can just try and keep quiet until the end. That’d be great … Okay, let’s go. With our registered nine step plan to success with girls.

1) Appearance

2) Selection

3) Chatting Up

4) Dating

5) Kissing

6) Sex

7) Going Steady

8) Protocol

9) General

Where we’ll open the floor up to you - Not like opening the floor to Hell or an indoor soccer pitch.... That's it, Girls Made Simple. But not by drugging them. Or hypnotism. Or Stockholm Syndrome. Or pretending you're Russell Brand's sex tester. Okay, let’s start with number one.

1. APPEARANCE

And I can immediately see from looking at you, it’s a crucial place to start. Because you’re looking at me and thinking. ‘How do you always look so sexy’. Well, let me tell you, it’s not as difficult as I make it look. Just find a celebrity who’s in the news more than twice a week, and copy their look. Not Trevor McDonald. You must choose a celebrity who’s as average as possible. Because that way, you can appeal to many styles of girls, rather than just a niche market. Such as the elderly and lesbians. For example, you could choose to be a Westlifer or Steve Jones. These are average and acceptable celebrities.

But be careful. Some celebrities don’t have stylists and look rubbish. We call them N.A.N.A. celebrities. Neither, average, nor, acceptable. N.A.N.A celebrities include Elton John And, of course Michael Jackson.

‘Who have you based your look on Tom’ - Enrique Iglesias.

So there you are. You’ve found a celebrity who’s in the news more than twice a week. Let’s say ______. You’ve copied his appearance and you’re looking totally average. Well now you can start -

2. SELECTION

Selection of your target is one of the nine most imp

ortant parts in success with girls - Or as they called it ‘suck - sex’, with girls. When selecting your selection there are five ‘yes’ signs to look for. These are

1) Short skirts

2) High heals

3) Lots of make up

4) A large amount

of exposed breast

5) Blondes

And don’t worry a

bout having to check roots, natural and artificial blondes are just as easy … If

your potential selection has under two of the ‘yes‘ signs, she is married. Or a

lesbian. Or both. Don't look at her, it's a waste of vision

But. If she has two or more of the ‘yes’ signs,

she is interested in being selected. However, if she has all five, she’s a prostitute. Fine

Once you’ve selected a girl with at least two of the signs. Let’s say a blonde, face painted tart, and you’re ready to approach her.

Cool your jets rocket men. Before you can select a girl, you must work out your ‘dating category’. There are three dating categories. They are -

1) Attractive

2) Average

3) Ugly

Be honest and choose the right dating category for you. Because lying to yourself now and selecting the wrong category will lead to disappointment and embarrassment later. And, to make things easier, I can clearly see that there are no category 1’s here, so restrict yourselves to categories 2 and 3. That’s average and ugly.

Remember. You can date in or below your category, but never above.

So once you’ve decided whether you’re average or just ugly, try and find a girl who is equally average or more ugly than you are. Make sure she has at least two of the ‘yes’ signs and you’ve ‘selected’ your girl... What next -

3. CHATTING UP

‘Do you like the Mr. Bean movie, I don’t’.
Okay. Before you can chat up a girl you must have the ‘sexy voice’. The ‘sexy voice’ is like your normal voice, but it’s deeper and also, slower. This is because, in your normal voice, you sound like this.
Well it’s ‘Chatting up’ or ‘Lying’. And since we have the luxury of female company tonight let’s show you exactly how it’s done.

Nobody’s impressed. But, using the sexy voice.

‘Do you like the Mr. Bean Mov

ie, I don’t’.

I'm clearly more attractive - If you have trouble with the ‘sexy voice’. Smoke. It’s sexy on it’s own, but also helps develop the ‘sexy voice’ - Gold.

But you can’t just have one chat up line and say it exactly the same every time. What you say should seem special and unique. So personalise your chat up line for each girl. For example - ‘Do you like the Mr. Bean Movie, I DO’. Depending on whether or not she looks like she likes Mr Bean or not

Other lines might include - ‘My favourite drinks are red drinks would you like a date’... Or - ‘You’re in or below my dating category would you like a date’.

You see how I've personalised his chat up line. That means that this girl thinks that I thinks that she’s special and unique. I don't think that at all. Also, keep in mind that girls like being complimented, so you could try something like - ‘I wouldn't lie about having sex with you’.

Seeming to be educated is always a bonus and what better a

way to reveal your intelligence than a discussion on literature. For example - ‘I have read Harry Potter’s Order of the Phoenix have you would you like a date’.

Finally, for the more experienced, try combinations of chat up lines. Such as - ‘My favourite drinks are red drinks and I have read Harry Potter’s Order of the Phoenix have you would you like a date’

Now you’ve got two things to talk about on your date and she knows

you can read. Gold.

So, you know what to say and how to say it. You’re thinking, where do I say it... You can do chatting up anywhere, but do not do chatting up in -

1) Churches

2) Doctors’ waiting rooms

3) Morgues

4) Bars with rainbow flags outside.

So start chatting up your selected target and very soon you’ll be on a date.

4. DATING

One of the best places for a date is ‘the restaurant’. Or ‘gastro pub’.

When you’re at the wine bistro, make sure you order ‘sexy foods’. ‘Sexy foods’ include oysters, ice cream and anything phallic such as sausages and carrots - But not baby carrots.

Then remember these essential two lists and nothing can go wrong. First list.

Date do’s

Talking

Nice smells

Holding hands

Compliments

Julia Roberts.

And the second list.

Date don’t’s

Shouting

Farting

Not complimenting them

Sudden boob grabbing

Steven Seagal

Doing the things on the first date do’s list, and not doing the things on the second date don’t’s list will give you a better chance of first to fourth base action with your date.

Gold. Okay, you’re on your date and the conversation is flowing as well as the cheapest house red. What now. Well. The date is where you are supposed to let the girl ‘get to know you’. But obviously you can’t let her ‘get to know’ the real you. The stuff like … You don’t have a job, you can’t drive, live with your parents, will only eat orange food. So they her other things... Lies - Things like you love babies, jazz, art, Julia Roberts and the theatre.

But wherever possible, let the girl do all the talking. That way you can’t say anything stupid and not get to -

5. KISSING

When girls are ready for kissing they make this face ... and then you can kiss them... Kissing should involve as much tongue as possible as quickly as possible, and never forget the neck and shoulders. Scientist have proven that girls like being kissed on the neck and shoulders. Fact. And although its boring. Fact.

Do try to do this kissing whenever possible. In the winter, garments such as scarves and polo necks will make this type of kissing difficult, so save this style of kissing for the summer and or nudity.

A love bite from you is like pissing on a tree for a dog. It’s your mark, so, make sure your friends to know that you’ve pissed on that tree. And once you’ve begun kissing, do not stop unless you have to - Maybe because you have to go to the toilet or because your parents walk in.

Because, if done correctly, kissing will lead to S.E.X. spells -

6. SEX

Now, a lot of you gentlemen may feel that sex is a scary and mystical thing. Like yetis.

Don’t worry. The following breakdown will make sex as simple as an inbred child.

Boys like sex more than girls and should therefore make the whole activity as quick as possible. Do boob touching and general stroking. Kissing is also advised. Particularly the neck and shoulder kissing we described earlier.

If it won’t go, don’t force it.

Use the girl’s first name during sex. For example. ‘Ooh Shelly, yeah Shelly. You are hard and soft at the same time like a broken baguette’.

Finally. Remember to show your a

ppreciation for the girl’s inconvenience - ‘Thanks for coming’ - Will be sufficient and then let her go back to knitting or whatever she was doing before.

Once you’ve had sex, you will have to answer a very difficult question - Do you want more sex, or is that enough sex, with a girl.

If you’ve had enough of this girl, listen to the ‘protocol’ section coming up. However, if you want more sex with her, pay attention now. We’re talking about -

7. GOING STEADY

Okay. Well done. You’ve tricked a girl into having sex with you. You don’t mind talking to her or skipping together. Sounds like you want to ‘go steady’.

Going steady is when you go on dates with just one girl, who you must call your ‘girlfriend’. After three months you must tell your ‘girlfriend’ you ‘love’ her and after five years you have to marry your ‘girlfriend’. Going steady also means that you can’t forget your girlfriend’s birthday, must meet her parents. And, generally, you are not allowed to have sex with other girls.

Sounds rubbish. But there is an up side to ‘going steady’. You can get intercourse whenever you want. It’s a difficult decision. Go steady or Ready, Go!. But to help you decide, just think. Can you get a girl as attractive, or more attractive, than your girlfriend to touch your penis. If you can’t, then you should ‘go steady’. It’s the best you’re gonna get. But, if you can. Then dump the ugly wench.

8. PROTOCOL

One. After a date not involving sex you should think, ‘am I going to get sex next time’, if the answer is yes then you have to wait exactly four days before calling. If the answer is no then you should wait forever.

After a date involving sex, you must wait exactly three days before calling, but text after two days, using these phrases in your S.M.S. message, ‘sexcellent’, ‘sexpert’ and ‘sexquisite’… Ending a relationship is a painful and upsetting time. These steps make it a piece of piss.

First step: Stop calling her

Step 2: Phrases such as ‘I’m not ready for commitment’. And ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. These are clichés for a reason... Because they work. So use them. If the girl still doesn’t get the idea you’re going to have to move to step three.

Arrange to meet somewhere public, but somewhere you can still have a little intimacy. Upstairs at a McDonalds. Then, when she arrives, just gently hold her hand, look her softly in the eyes and clearly, but calmly say ‘you’re dumped, leave me alone’.

If this doesn’t work you should inform the appropriate authorities.

So there we are. You’ve had your date, got to fourth base, gone steady and dumped your girlfriend or wife, leaving us now at ‘general’.

9. GENERAL